All know our good Queen Thyra’s skill with the bow, and that She is ever eager to test Her mettle at the butts. So it was that at the most recent Pennsic War, while She was yet Princess of our fair realm, She and Her retinue processed to the archery range for the Saint Sebastian’s Shoot, to enjoy a fine day of shooting and good fellowship.
One of the challenges that day required archers to score hits on several small targets — pineapples, as it happens — before attempting to hit a further higher-scoring target — a boar. Her Highness easily vanquished the first three small targets, but the fourth was crafty and mocked Her by moving out of the way of each arrow she sent toward it. In frustration, Her Highness declared “That pineapple is banished!” A trusted retainer quietly advised Her that She did not yet possess the authority of banishment, but that She soon would.
Thus it was that one of Her first acts after being Crowned was to ban pineapples from Her presence. Herewith follows the text of Her proclamation:
By Thyra the Queen. Having considered that the peace of our realm is greatly disrupted by the predations of the dread, awful and terrible creature known as the piña de Indes, called by some the “pine-apple,” lately brought from the New World to our shores by agents of Spain for nefarious purposes, and our own Royal Person having been greatly and foully troubled and harassed by the same upon the archery range at the Pennsic, and wishing to restore and bring our realm to justice, tranquility and peace, We do therefore condemn and perpetually exile from this our Eastern Realm all such piña de Indes now dwelling herein. Should any such piña de Indes be hereafter found within the lands where our will holds the power of law, their goods shall be escheat to the Crown, and they shall be put in the Crown’s irons for their trespass, then their ears shall be removed and be nailed to the market cross before they are removed from this realm. And if thereafter they are found again within our Eastern Realm, they shall be hanged. We do further prohibit and ban, with the full force of our royal authority, for the term of our reign, all and any of our subjects, spiritual and temporal, from bringing the dread and terrible piña de Indes into the Royal Presence under the pain of treason, loss and forfeiture of life, land and goods.
Several relatives of the offending fruit were brought before the Queen, who ordered that they be dealt with (in Her kitchens) as a lesson to other potential malefactors. They were expeditiously dispatched, and their mortal remains were later presented in Court, with their heads paraded on pikes, and their bodies having been expertly prepared by the Royal Cooks for Their Majesties’ enjoyment.
Photos by Lord Sergei Rozvad syn.
Writ text by Mistress Alys Mackyntoich.